Sex & Gimps

This Came from a newsletter printed for the Autoimmune and Chronic Disease Group on Yahoo. Subscription information follows. It is copied in it's entirety.

Special Edition Newsletter Sexuality in Chronic Pain, Illness and Disability. Date 3 July 2005

Why a special edition newsletter on sex and disability, sex and chronic pain, sex and arthritis etc? Wayney will explain. A chance discussion in the RA support group about sex and lack thereof, led to a longer discussion about sex and disabilities. This is a topic that is close to my heart since I am in what can be considered the prime of my sexual life. I'm working on a personal website and had intended to include some information on sex and disabilities. About the time this discussion happened, Lyn also received a newsletter discussing sex and arthritis, it became somewhat of a sign that this was a topic that needed to be covered. People had questions, many questions, it was clear we needed to find information on this subject. I embarked on a learning journey. Sex isn't the ultimate intimacy in a marriage. Yes, it's wonderful (when pain doesn't interfere), but a relationship can be intimate without sex. There are many things that can be done to reduce the problems of sex and chronic pain. I think one of the best pieces of advice I was given about the issue of chronic pain and sex, "Fake it til you make it!". And no, I am not talking about faking it for the sake of getting it over with. Simply put, the thought was; if you act as if you're enjoying yourself, eventually, the enjoyment might come naturally. For me this means that by concentrating on making it feel enjoyable, it takes my mind off of the pain that overrides the sensations I'm feeling. By taking the focus off the pain, I begin to let the sensations take over and eventually I begin to enjoy myself. I'm not denying that having no demands placed on me to "perform" helps greatly. Communication about both partner's needs is the key. It's not always an easy discussion to have. But, if done well, it can lead to less pressure on both parties. If you are the person who is disabled, communicate your needs - say what hurts, what feels good, tell your partner your need to frequently change positions if needed and the myriad of other things that may need to be adjusted. This is not the time to be shy! Use as many coping skills as you need, to reduce the problems before they happen. If lack of desire is your issue you will need to do some investigations - is it medication related, depression related, fear based? If it is medication or depression related, then have a frank discussion with your doctor about the issues, If it is fear related, explore the source of that fear and try to overcome it. You may want to consider short term counseling or therapy. If stiffness and pain are the problem, take a pain medication shortly before sex. If a warm bath helps, make it part of the fun! Same for gentle massages. Do whatever is needed to reduce the stress on your body. If that means propping yourself up on pillows, do so. If morning is the best time of day for you, schedule sex then. Schedules hardly seem exciting, but with a bit of mystery and some anticipation, they can become amazing! If you are the partner of the disabled person, listen to your partner. Be open to trying things differently. Also, express any fears you have of causing your partner more pain. In many discussions I've had with women with RA and/or fibromyalgia, I've heard "My husband is afraid to touch me for fear of hurting me." If this is the case, try asking what hurts and what doesn't. Also know that what hurts one day, may not hurt another day. Discuss what you need and ways to accommodate both parties. Work with each other to make the relationship work. We hope that you find these links informative. If you have any questions or comments about them please do not hesitate to contact me at wayneyp@yahoo.com. *SPECIAL ISSUE NEWSLETTER: Sexuality in Chronic Pain, Illness and Disability* Sexuality: Chronic Illness and Your Sex Life How can a chronic illness affect my sex life? http://familydoctor.org/768.xml -------------------------- Disability and Illness: Rediscovering Sex After Disability/Illness/Trauma http://www.sexualhealth.com/channel.php?Action=view_sub&channel=3&topic=71 ---------------------------- How Does Fibromyalgia Affect Sexual Function? http://www.hss.edu/Conditions/Fibromyalgia/Fibromyalgia-Affect-Sexual-Function -------------------------- Love, Sex, And Arthritis Don't let illness take the life out of living. http://arthritis.about.com/cs/sex/a/lovesexarth.htm ---------------------------- Chronic illness and sexuality http://www.mja.com.au/public/issues/179_05_010903/mci10673_fm.html ----------------------------- A Spouse Can Be a Pain in the Back Summary: A worried partner may intensify chronic back pain. http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20030514-000002.html ---------------------------- What chronic illnesses can affect fertility, and why? http://www.babycenter.com/expert/preconception/fertilityproblems/6147.html ---------------------------- What About Sex? Having fibromyalgia does not mean that we are no longer sexual beings. http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/442/8833 ---------------------------- Maintaining Intimacy Despite Fibromyalgia http://www.lclark.edu/~sherrons/intimacy.htm --------------------------- Arthritis And Sexuality Pain, fatigue, and limitation can interfere. http://arthritis.about.com/cs/sex/a/sexualityarth.htm ------------------------- Chronic Illness and Sexual Functioning MARGARET R. H. NUSBAUM, D.O., M.P.H., http://www.aafp.org/afp/20030115/347.html ------------------------- Sex, Intimacy & Arthritis-Who are we doing it with? http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/who.html -------------------------- Guide to Managing Pain: Sex and Chronic Pain ( pdf) http://www.painconcern.org.uk/site_files/Sex%20and%20Chronic%20Pain13.pdf View as html: http://tinyurl.com/czpn6 ------------------------- Sex in America Our landmark study about sexuality reveals a revolution in the making-and some surprising changes in attitudes and expectations http://www.aarpmagazine.org/lifestyle/relationships/sex_in_america.html ------------------------- Disability and sexuality Information http://www.stdservices.on.net/std/social_aspects/disability.htm --------------------------- Victoria's Not So Secrets More Then One Way To Milk A Cow http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/victoria5.html http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/victoria2.html http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/victoria.html ----------------------- The Healing Value of Sex http://www.learningplaceonline.com/illness/living/healing-sex.htm ---------------------------- The Soothing Power Of Snuggling People with arthritis want to be touched but their pain may make them fear it. http://arthritis.about.com/library/weekly/aa031798.htm --------------------------- Sex and the Back: Taking the Pain Out of Sex http://www.realage.com/news_features/tip.aspx?cid=15977&#MI ------------------------- Sex and Back Pain http://www.sexualhealth.com/article.php?Action=read&article_id=39&channel=3&topic=78 ---------------------- Recommended Reading http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/books.html --------------------- Sexuality and Arthritis http://tinyurl.com/aqsnl --------------------- Sex and Sexuality with Ongoing Illness http://www.lupusmn.org/Education/Articles/SexandSexualityWithOngoingIllness.htm --------------------------- Sex + Arthritis = Problem? http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/problem.html ------------------------ Chronic Low Back Pain and How it May Effect Sexuality (pdf) http://tinyurl.com/72ged View as html: http://tinyurl.com/bnmza -------------------------- Tantric Sex - A Different Perspective http://www.sexualhealth.com/article.php?Action=read&article_id=1&channel=3&topic=71 ------------------------- Spousal Support: Rest Ministries Illness affects the entire family, especially your spouse! We have some great resources, articles, and even communities to help both men and women feel like someone understands the ups and downs of living in a family with a chronically ill spouse. http://www.restministries.org/pro-spousesupport.htm -------------------------- In Sickness And In Health Chronic illness interjects complications into marriage. http://arthritis.about.com/cs/sex/a/sicknesshealth.htm ------------------------- Exploring Sexual Matters Audrey Kron, MA, CGP Q: I'm planning on getting married soon, and I'm concerned that my condition might affect my sexual life. Can someone with a chronic illness have a normal sex life? What kinds of sexual problems might I encounter? http://c4isr.com/oley/lifeline/sexual.html ----------------------- Chronic Pain and Sexuality Fears About Sex With Chronic Pain http://seniorliving.about.com/od/sexromance/ss/chronicpainsex_4.htm -------------------------- Maintaining Intimacy Despite Fibromyalgia http://www.lclark.edu/%7Esherrons/intimacy.htm ---------------------------- Sex and back pain http://www.physionline.co.za/conditions/article.asp?id=43 ------------------------- How Arthritis Complicates Sexuality http://arthritis.about.com/cs/sex/a/arthsexuality.htm -------------------------- Sex and Disabilities http://www.accessibility.com.au/news/articles/part1_sex.htm -------------------------- "Sex After a Heart Attack" http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-717,subcat-MIND.html ------------------------- Sexuality and Arthritis http://www.arc.org.uk/about_arth/booklets/6037/6037.htm ------------------------- Sex and Chronic Illness Holistic Help: Helping You Manage Your Chronic Illness or Chronic Pain and Live Life to the Fullest Within Your Limits http://www.holistichelp.net/sex.html ------------------------ Sex Matters for Women A complete guide to taking care of your sexual self Frequently Asked Questions (including those on chronic illness and sex) http://www.sexmattersforwomen.com/faq.phtml ----------------------- How does arthritis affect sexuality? http://tinyurl.com/8zwwq ------------------------ Sexual Relations This article is aimed at people who are in a "partner" relationship while either suffering from chronic illness themselves or else being the partner of a chronically ill person. http://brightfield.org.uk/living/sexual.html ------------------------ How does VHL ( or other chronic pain conditions) affect sexual feelings or behavior in a relationship? http://www.vhl.org/support/chat2000/sexissue.htm ------------------------ Find Creative Ways to Enjoy Sex and Intimacy Despite Arthritis Pain http://tinyurl.com/5pnor ------------------------ Sexuality and People with Disabilities http://www.iidc.indiana.edu/cedir/sexuality.html ----------------------- What do I need to know about youth with disabilities and their sexuality? http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/yourchild/disabsex.htm ----------------------- Arthritis & the 'Alternative' Relationship http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/alternative.html ----------------------- Sexuality and Chronic Pain (pdf) http://www.cityofhope.org/prc/pdf/5900.pdf View as html: http://tinyurl.com/7up7f ----------------------------- Sex and the Married Gimp - A Woman's Point of View http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/woman.html ----------------------- Sex and the Married Gimp - A Man's Point of View http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/man.html ---------------------- Questions and Answers for Persons with Disabilities Sex has become close to non-existent due to my wife's chronic pain associated with fibromyalgia. What suggestions do you have for us? http://www.hisandherhealth.com/articles/Questions_and_Answers_for_Persons_with_Disabilities.shtml -------------------------- Health & Wellness for Women with Disabilities (scroll down to the sexuality articles) http://www.bcm.edu/crowd/health_wellness/health_wellness.html ------------------------- The other half of sex and disabilities: Info for the non-disabled partner http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1475.html ---------------------- Sexual Health and Fertility After Spinal Cord Impairment Sexuality and Disability http://www.scisexualhealth.com/sandd.html ----------------------- Sex and Disabilities Not Mutually Exclusive http://rocklaw.lexipal.com/article/14511 ------------------------ Heavy breathing: asthma and your sex life http://www.sunrisehospital.com/healthcontent.asp?page=/healthy/sexuality/index ----------------------- Arthritis and Sexuality http://www.personalmd.com/healthtopics/crs/arthriti.htm ---------------------- Diabetes Can Affect Women's Sexual Health ( pdf ) http://www.diabetes.org/main/uedocuments/Channel15-Women.pdf --------------------- "Drugs That Can Affect Your Sex Life" http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-715.html ----------------------- Bedroom Talk with Kelly You are not alone. CSSA’s goal is to assist sufferers of chronic disabilities in every way possible. Leaving out intimate and sexual relationship issues would be leaving out a large part of our silent suffering. http://www.cssa-inc.org/bedroom_talk.htm ------------------------- Sexuality Education for People with Disabilities - PDF Document Varying Topics http://www.siecus.org/siecusreport/volume29/29-3.pdf -------------------------- Have arthritis? Get creative for pleasurable sex http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/2868.html ----------------------- Rheumatoid Arthritis and Your Body Image Summary of a presentation at the Living with RA Workshop http://www.hss.edu/Conditions/Arthritis/Rheumatoid-Arthritis-And-Your-Body-Image -------------------------- Don't Let Arthritis Ruin Your Sex Life http://www.sunrisehospital.com/healthcontent.asp?page=/healthy/sexuality/index -------------------------- Chronic Pain and Sexuality New Ideas for Sex with Chronic Pain http://seniorliving.about.com/od/sexromance/ss/chronicpainsex_5.htm ----------------------------- Sex and Disabilities Part 1 of 4 - Model Behaviour http://www.accessibility.com.au/news/articles/part1_sex.htm --------------------------- I FEAR PAIN WILL RUIN OUR SEX LIFE LETTER OF THE DAY http://www.mirror.co.uk/sexandhealth/miriam/tm_column_date=01062005-name_index.html ---------------------------- Sex and Disabilities - Go Ask Alice http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1005.html -------------------------- Pain Management: Maintaining Intimacy http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=42074 ------------------------ Intimacy in People with Chronic Pain http://psychosocial.com/current_2002/Shaughnessy_Pain.html ------------------------ Sex and Disabilities Adapted From: Sex For Dummies, 2nd Edition http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-716.html ----------------------- "Dealing with a Lack of Sexual Desire in Women" http://www.dummies.com/WileyCDA/DummiesArticle/id-714,subcat-MIND.html ----------------------- Problems with A-C-L (anterior cruciate ligament) lead to problems with S-E-X http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/2597.html --------------------- Strictly Sex with Dr. Drew http://media.health.discovery.com/fansites/dr_drew/dr_drew.html ------------------------ Sex and Arthritis. University of Washington, Seattle http://www.orthop.washington.edu/uw/livingwith/tabID__3376/ItemID__99/Articles/Default.aspx -------------------------------------- Sex and spinal cord injuries http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/0627.html ------------------------- The Basics Okay, sex is a tough subject, and arthritis is a frustrating disease. Here are some articles to give you some ideas on how to cope with having a love life and arthritis at the same time... WARNING: We're getting into the fun but very explicit side of sex. If you're easily offended, please don't visit the following sites, there are not only vivid descriptions but graphic photos. If you're under 18 - these are off limits. If you'd like to add some spice (toys, aids, videos, etc.) to your love life take a deep breath and start clicking... http://www.arthritisinsight.com/feature/sex/links.html ------------------------- Annotated Bibliography: Sexuality and Disability Huge list of books on sexuality and disability broken down by categories, plus more links http://www.siecus.org/pubs/biblio/bibs0009.html ------------------------- BOOKS ON SEXUALITY AND CHRONIC PAIN/DISABILITY **The Illustrated Guide to Better Sex for People With Chronic Pain. Rothrock, Robert W. et al. R. Rothrock & G. D'Amore Publishers. c1992. **Living a Healthy Life with Chronic Conditions. Lorig, Kate, et al. Bull Publishing Co. c2000. **Living, Loving and Laughing with Pain. Pliskin, Jacqueline J. (publisher unknown) c1995. **Love and Survival: 8 Pathways to Intimacy and Health. Ornish, Dean. Perennial a division of HarperCollins. c1999. **Mayo Clinic on Chronic Pain: Lead a More Active and Productive Life. Swanson, David, ed. Mayo Clinic Health Services. c1999. **Pathways to Intimacy: Communicating With Care and Resolving Differences. Kellogg, Terry and Harrison, Marvel E. BRAT Pub. c1994. **Reclaiming Intimacy in Your Marriage and Plans for Facing Life's Ebb and Flow . . . Together. Bruce, Robert. Bethany House. c1996. **Sex, Love and Chronic Illness. Carlton, Lucille. National Parkinson Foundation. c1994. **Sexual Function in People with Disability and Chronic Illness: A Health Professional's Guide. Sipski, Marca and Alexander, Craig. Aspen Pub. c1997. **Sexuality and Chronic Illness: A Comprehensive Approach. Schover, Leslie R. and Jensen, Soren B. Guilford Publications. c1988 **Shadows of Pain: Intimacy and Sexual Problems in Family Life. Pillari, Vimala. Jason Aronson Publishers. c1996. **Silver Linings: Triumphs of the Chronically Ill and Physically Challenged. Engle, Shaena, ed. Prometheus Books. c1997. **The Dance of Intimacy Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D, Harriet, Harper and Row, 1990. **The Senior's Guide to Pain-Free Living. Dollemore, Doug. Rodale Press, Inc. c 2000. **Winning With Arthritis: How to Beat Arthritis and Take Control of Your Life. McIlwain, Harris H. et al. John Wiley & Sons. c1997. **Winning with Chronic Pain: A Complete Program for Health and Well-Being. Bruce, Deborah, et al. Prometheus Books. c1994. *Fibromyalgia and Female Sexuality:. by Marline Emmal. ISBN: 1552125807. Publisher: Not Avail .Amazon.com Link; http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1552125807/103-8059025-2847057?vglance *(Rozenman, Eliarz, and Lancet). Sexual function in asthmatic women. Harefuah 112:121-123, 1987. (Clifford, et al) Caring for Sexuality in Health and Illness. Harcourt Health Sciences Group, 2000. *(Connine and Evans ). Sexual reactivation of chronically ill and disabled adults. J Allied Health 11:261-270, 1982. *(Jensen). "Sexuality and chronic illness: Biopsychosocial approach". Seminars in Neurology, June 1992, Vol. 12, No. 2: 135-140. (Monga, et al) "Sexuality and Social Adjustment of Patients with Chronic Pain" Disability Rehabilitation, 1998, Vol. 20, No. 9, pp 317-329. *(Rothrock and D'Amore) The Illustrated Guide to Better Sex for People with Chronic Pain, 1992. *(Schover and Jensen) Sexuality and Chronic Illness: A Comprehensive Approach, Guilford, 1988.